Hi everyone – it’s been a while…
I’m sure some of you have been curious as to where I’ve been and why I’ve taken such a long hiatus from tomachimaria.com. Basically three things were happening simultaneously towards the mid/end of 2022:
- I was suffering from severe chronic pain that ultimately led to me having two (2) hip replacements
- I started feeling insecure about my abilities to write and to do this blog
- My cycle of taking on too much was in full swing and I stopped prioritising myself.
Update 1: Chronic Pain & Hip Replacement
I’ll go more into my journey with chronic pain in a more detailed blog post, but to keep it short and sweet, I was in severe pain almost all of 2022. By February, I had developed pretty severe arthritis that had left me unable to walk, sleep or stand comfortably. This took a huge toll on my mental health, affected the way I was able to show up for myself and changed the way I saw myself/my life. I just didn’t feel mentally strong enough to write.
From July onward, I spent my time healing from the hip replacements I need to have to rectify my chronic pain. I thought I’d write during my recovery time, but healing was more exhausting than I’d thought it would be. Between spending months in North Carolina healing and feeling disconnected from my body, I didn’t want to add more pressure to myself by trying to create when I simply didn’t feel like it.
Update 2: Feeling Insecure/Self -Doubt
I started feeling really insecure about my writing, my ideas and my creativity skills as a whole. I have always been someone that compares myself a lot to others and I rarely see the value in my own skills and abilities. Somewhere along the way, this blog I created to function as a fun hub for my passions, stopped being fun.
I became consumed with negative thoughts that fuelled my anxiety: Did people think my writing was bad? Were they laughing at my blog? What made me think I could start a blog to begin with? Was I even smart or interesting enough to write and share my words?
In short, I started to feel a lot of shame. As those feelings intensified, it got harder to believe in myself and harder to motivate myself to write. Rather than pushing myself through those feelings and continuing to feed my creative side, I just let the blog go.
Update 3: Repeating Old Cycles
In short, I take on way too much and I just need to knock it off.
I was so busy in 2022 – juggling freelance jobs, a full time job, modelling, chronic pain, friends, family, etc. Whenever things get busy in my life, I immediately stop taking care of myself. It’s so easy for me to ignore my own boundaries to satisfy the needs of other people/work. Creating better boundaries and allowing more space for me to do things JUST for me is something I want to improve on. (and I’m reading this book to help me!)
BACK & BETTER THAN EVER
Having gone through so much in 2022, and taking the top of 2023 to reflect, I think I’m finally ready to move forward (slowly ofc). I started this blog because it was a dream I’d had since I was in middle school. I have always loved building community, sharing my thoughts with others and being creative. I want to stop saying “no” to myself.
I deserve to have this blog and I deserve to have fun while doing it.
2023 is going to be about giving myself the things I want and deserve unconditionally. I am trying to self-assure that I don’t need to be perfect to show care or love to myself.
I’m looking forward to creating again and I hope you’ll join me.
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